


This Mad Season

by lonelykitten1



Series: Don't Stop Smoking And Drinking [16]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: False Accusations, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Rejection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:35:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22729996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonelykitten1/pseuds/lonelykitten1
Summary: They'll never let each other go...Want to bet on it?
Relationships: Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki
Series: Don't Stop Smoking And Drinking [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/749196
Kudos: 7





	This Mad Season

**Author's Note:**

> Heya! I'm still here!

**Early February 2020**

Things were different now. It was almost eerie how strange it all felt, being in the middle of it and all. Now at the verge of a new life, the cold season didn't bother Jensen so much anymore, and it felt like his mind was separate from his body.

It was February, and all he could think of was Jared. Or not simply him—him and Jensen. Jared had helped him to find a way to feel better; and he was better off somehow for it. They were friends again.

See: things were looking a little better for Jensen lately, but it wasn't just because of his newfound friendship with Jay. Indeed, since he'd been on sick leave for now close to two months, he had time to relax and focus on himself. Still, he hadn't forgotten that things weren't as they should've been, either, and he hadn't gotten used to throbbing pain in his chest right where his heart was, which had been getting worse for months, but he was taking it day by day, appreciating the calm of being alone **_most of the time_**. 

_It all happened two months ago, when Jensen had applied for a job in another department._

_“I'm obligated to tell them that you have an attitude problem,” said his manager. “I suggest that you stay here to work out your problems,”_

_Jensen couldn't believe it. He was the employee with the most seniority in his team; he was also the highest performer. He'd been there for almost two years, and customers loved him. Not to mention, just a week ago, his managers had pulled him into their office to tell him that they were worried about his mental health. Now, they were spitting fire in his face. Jensen couldn't stay here another second. The atmosphere was beyond toxic, and he was underpayed and overworked. No one was happy._

_That night, as Jensen took a bath, he slid down lower and let the water cover his face. His tears washed off his face with the warm water. He wondered how easy it would be to just drown here. It felt nice to hold his breath under the water._

**Mid-February 2020**

Jensen looked around himself, and, with a quick glimpse in the mirror to reassure himself that he was okay, thought of what his next move should be. Jensen was used to having a schedule, one telling him what he should do and where he should be and when. He wasn't used to being able to just do whatever. “The weather's shit,” said Jensen after a moment of calm, dead silence on the phone with Joshua, as he walked across his kitchen and picked up a set of forms from on top of his fridge.

“It's fine. I'll come over the weekend to help you with the boxes,” answered his brother.

“Alright! Thanks, Josh,” Jensen said before they exchanged goodbyes and hung up. Jensen had been filling boxes with clothes and basically just anything that he didn't need anymore for charity. In fact, he was putting out his whole wardrobe of clothes: after all, he needed some big changes in his life, like yesterday.

As he didn't have his license yet, Joshua would help him deliver the boxes to the closest drop-off point.

Snow came down heavily and covered the trees, sidewalks, cars, balcony― everything in sight seemed to be buried deep in the snow which sparkled bright in the moonlight, as Jensen filled his boxes one by one. It was 9 o'clock at night, and music played on his laptop, from Rob Thomas to Jason Derulo. Jensen's bunny, Buffy, hopped around his feet and did double flips in the air around his kitchen as he sipped his _**black Colombian Dark roast coffee**_ and dug through his closets, so he could find things to give away. Buffy was a black, one-year-old lion-head rabbit. Her world revolved around Jensen.

Jensen was on a lot of antidepressants. He'd been on antidepressants for well over two years, and it wouldn't stop anytime soon. He even had new prescriptions from his doctor. Sure, it made some of the stress go away, but Jensen still felt an earthshaking void―like he couldn't fit in anywhere anymore, and it hurt and made him uneasy. However, what escape from reality did he have from it all? Jensen could either drink or smoke cannabis to pass the time. Both didn't help him to overcome his fears though, and that was a problem because, while he was on sick leave, he was trying to better himself by getting the help that he had never let himself have until now.

Every day was a struggle.

However, every day, Jensen lost a little bit of his memory.

His wounds were healing; and he was already almost as strong as ever.

Jensen had meetings with psychologists, his doctor, a psychiatrist, nurses―and the insurance company which wouldn't stop calling him, like his life didn't depend on this.

There had been some talk as to whether he had borderline personality disorder or was bipolar. 

As you can imagine, Jensen recognized that he had a problem now. He had always been at least a little depressed, but lately he'd been feeling much too down and miserable, shaking from the terrors that kept him from sleep. 

So now, here he was, the holidays over and well into the New Year, rebuilding his sanity in the absence of other people.

Work made Jensen unhappy now because it felt like he had grown out of his job, and after two years of feeling unappreciated and treated like cattle, he'd finally lost his mind with the very last insult he'd heard from a new manager on the job for him. It hadn't taken him long to collapse into a deep depression like a person slipping into a bed of quicksand. That's how it felt anyway.

That was two months ago.

He was still on sick leave, and although his mood could vary by day, he felt in a more stable state of mind than he had been in since before he'd rang the alarm on his life.

\--------x--------x--------x--------

**Mid-January 2020**

He knows he's said it, but he'll say it again: things had changed. Jensen no longer spoke to his sister and mother. He had minimal contact with his father so as to avoid seeing his mother, and spoke with Joshua when he could, although he was very busy with his new girlfriend and work. He didn't care about his choice to ostracize himself. He knew it was the right choice as they had always been a source of pain for Jensen. They told him that he wasn't normal, that he wasn't as good or as important as others.

Jensen lived on a different wavelength, it's true, but he couldn't take their criticism anymore. They drove him crazy. His family and everyone at work saw him as something useless. Their eyes on him felt like daggers. They sent every sense in revolt and every nerve a tingling.

Jensen had had more than he could handle. And now that he wasn't just in 'survival mode' anymore, he had time to figure out who he was and what he needed to be happy.

\--------x--------x--------x--------

**End January 2020**

Jensen had fallen into a deep depression all of a sudden, and, with a sense of terror and a feeling of paralysis, couldn't even get out of bed to shower or eat: he had missed two weeks of classes, and his phone was full of missed calls from his doctor, psychologists, and the insurance company; his email was also full of their messages. His midterms were in a few days, and although he was up-to-date in all his readings for both classes, he'd missed two classes of each class and felt afraid to show his face again. He hadn't taken his meds in a couple of days and didn't want to for a while, but as soon as he did, he felt a familiar calmness descend.

Jared had been the voice of reason to tell him to take his meds.

In his darkest hour, he had contacted four or five people through Facebook to ask them for their advice. Jared had been the only one to truly make him feel better, and all it took was a wave for Jared to sent him a friend request again.

They chatted for hours on end, and Jensen didn't think much of it. It was like old times.

They talked about _ **everything and nothing.**_

A few days passed, and Jensen felt better. He still had anxiety attacks sometimes, but he'd finally had the courage to step out and replace his twin bed by a double one with a great frame and a new, bigger kitchen table and couches. He'd redone his resume and bought a new wardrobe. He'd also gotten a new haircut.

\--------x--------x--------x--------

**Mid-February 2020**

Jared was different. He was calmer and nicer, but his intellect and ability to feel passion were gone. His aptitude to connect with Jensen like they'd always been able to before was under fire. 

\--------x--------x--------x--------

**Early March 2020**

Jensen had back-to-back meetings for days with different healthcare personnel or professionals. He had submitted a formal request for exam deferrals as per his medical record. His existence was a hard pill to swallow, but he savored every moment that he didn't have to go back to work and face his masochist work colleagues.

\--------x--------x--------x--------

**Mid-February 2020**

It was official. Jared was getting married in September, and Jensen was invited.

They would get married in the same place where Jensen and Jared had had all their dates. Jensen almost laughed at the sick irony of it all. With all the ugly truths now on the table, he couldn't ignore that, figuratively, it felt like he was sitting opposite his old, 21 year-old self, with all the rejection and the uncertainty that his younger self had had to face when with Jared on that fateful night in October 2010, when his world as he knew it came to end, and the summer before then that they had spent out _**there**_ , in the country together, stupid and in love. Time seemed to stop and stand still for Jensen, and nothing else mattered but his beating heart and the memory of all their broken dreams together. He felt trapped in his body, like he was buried alive. He wanted to be happy for Jared, but something felt wrong, between them but also for Jared. It was enough to send him spiraling.

This was it: no more chances, no more time.

But something else triggered Jensen, much more than anything else. 

He could live with the fact that Jared had moved on, but he wasn't really happy or in a state of mind to get married. He was getting married to someone who didn't bother to take the time or care enough to check in with him when her fiancé was obviously very sick and unwell. Yet here he still was, three failed engagements and multiple other conquests later, 10 years in the midst, in the depth of his despair, getting kicked out of navy and married to a woman just so she could get her green-card.

It was none of Jensen's business. He knew that he shouldn't criticize her to him, but he couldn't help it. Jensen had forgiven Jared for all his past endeavors, but he couldn't condone him and his so-called lover on what they were about to do. It made his heart sink in his chest, his vision go red and blood boil. How would he live with this?

\--------x--------x--------x--------

**End February 2020**

“I just won't do it,” said Jared, lifelessly and appearing resigned. “I don't want to,” 

“What do you mean?” asked Jensen. They'd been chatting every day for the last couple of weeks, but for Jensen, this was nothing. It's what he liked to do. He could be himself in the messages, and it felt right. Who cares if they had a past and Jensen was still kind of into Jared? He had tried to be nice, just enjoying the companionship, but, now, with what Jared had just said, it felt like there was a light being shone upon him in the ugliest way; and with the creeping realization of what Jared meant came a new special kind of hell, even for Jensen. Jared then said, “But we can be friends, **_really_** good friends,” After a moment, as if to add insult to injury, he even added “ ** _You're not bad though,_** ”

The air rushed out of Jensen. Panic filled his eyes. He had been sitting on the bathroom floor, smoking a doobie, but, as soon as he read the words, his shoulders sunk in defeat, and tears started to well in his eyes. He laid his head against the cold wall next to him, let his left hand which held the phone collapse to the ground and his left shoulder and right hand lay themselves on the tile next to his head.

Then, after a few moments, Jared asked, “Are you okay?”

On his bathroom floor, staring at the Jared's words in Messenger on his phone, Jensen broke down into tears. His mind was turned off, but these careless words were breaking his heart. How could Jared insinuate that he was trying to manipulate Jared in some way, just to be with him instead of his fiancé? Or that he was foolish enough to be the only one who would try, like his love was one-sided, or like his affection and attention were too much and inappropriate, not just friendly, and definitely unwanted? Had they not both flirted a little, like they always did? But worst of all, how could he reject him so coldly, for someone so bad for him?

“Is it bad? Does it hurt you?”

Jared's words were tearing up his heart.

Wiping away at his tears angrily with his sleeve and blowing his nose in the fabric of his shoulder, Jensen asked “Does what?”

“Does our relationship hurt you?”

Jensen didn't have many friends. Jared had answered his prayers when he had accepted to swap messages with him and be his friend again, if just for a little while. Jared understood some of what Jensen was going through, as he'd been down for so long recently too.

He realized that Jared was accusing him of trying to get them to commit adultery. But Jensen had only been chatting nicely with Jared, albeit they'd flirted some as they always did since they'd known each other; it's just the way that they were together. He'd also criticized Jared for not sharing all that he shared with him with his fiancé, but Jared told him that his fiancé didn't care.

However, this was big. Jared was accusing him of trying to do... do, something bad: he didn't know what Jared thought, but it hurt him profoundly to hear these words nonetheless, the rejection like the accusation. If Jensen could control the weather, he'd make storm clouds suddenly gather in the clear blue sky, and the sky go dark.

“Why would it?” answered Jensen swiftly and decisively like he was suddenly at war, but, had the words been spoken, they'd surely have been croaked out, as Jensen had stopped breathing as Jared had dropped this bomb of accusations on him out of the blue, only to reject him when he wasn't even trying to do anything, just enjoy the moment like never, ever before. “But I am so insulted....” he continued to say, as he tried to explain without exposing himself that the barely disguised accusations had really hurt him.

Their frustrations turned to passive aggressiveness, and by the end neither enjoyed their conversations **_anymore_**.

Jensen's heart was broken, and he couldn't continue with it.

Their words were heated.

> I'm a child and I'm hopeless;  
>  I'm bleeding and broken;  
>  Though I've never spoken;  
>  I come, oh I come undone;  
>  In this mad season;  
>  In this mad season;  
>  It's been a mad season;  
>  Been a mad season...
> 
> Song: Mad Season, by Rob Thomas 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Leave me a kudos if you found this good please!


End file.
